Don't be sorry. That was funny.

This is a true and funny story. Emador, I figure you will definately appreciate this considering your triage mishap...

In our LTC facility we have a mentally retarded female that is very very loud and at times rather obnoxious. She curses, slamms doors, throws child like fits, etc. Anyway for the last year she has been broadcasting her hemmroids at inappropriate times, like meals and church. We have been giving her creams and ointments for the entire year to appease her. After she starting wanting pain meds we took the next step and set her up for a consult with a surgeon to possibly remove them. Upon return from her appointment Monday...she has NO rectal inflammation!!! Not one single one of us nurses bothered to assess her rectum in this entire year!!! She had a hemmroidectomy 2 years ago and is still free of them. That is funny even if it does show we were out of compliance and perhaps lazy. We took her at her word and since she was able to apply treatments herself we never bothered to confirm. I bet the surgeon thought we were nuts!!!! Non-the-less it hasn't stopped her broadcasting. She offered to show the other rsidents her "butt is clear" as she put it during supper Monday night. Every person that walked by, she explained she had a clean BUTT cause the doctor told her so.

One night the hospital was so full, the only place we could put this one "under the infulence and wild" pt. was in a room with a skinny little guy who had a title and insisted we use it at all times, "mister" was not good enough, and he was constantly letting us know how important he was. He was a "fluff my pillow" pt., the type that's on the call bell every 2 minutes for something minor and he wouldn't have cared if there was a full blown code, he wanted what he wanted and he actually had said he didn't care if we had to stop CPR on a pt. to give him what he wanted, we'd better come when we were called.

Well, the new roommate was a really BIG guy, I am talking like 6'4" tall minimum, and very muscular, and he was obviously on something, we didn't know what. He had been fussin' and fumin' about everything. Since he was so wild, we had to use restraints. Well, he chewed right through one of them and was halfway through the other when one of the techs ran for me to come help with him. We tried to talk him down while I untied the partially chewed restraint and tried to make sure nothing was in his mouth and get him settled. Partway through this procedure, Mr. VIP is cringing in a corner of the room. The big guy flings back the curtain, flings off the bedclothes, exposes himself, and asks our opinion of the member in question - and I do have to say, that in all my years of nursing, I had never before and have never since seen any human male that well endowed, but I kept my cool. I said, "What do I think of WHAT?" He said, "This!" and pointed again at the anatomical item that would probably have won a Guinness Book award. I said, "I'm sorry, I forgot my magnifying glass." The guy's mouth worked like a fish flopping on the beach. I said, calmly, "Now, let's get you covered up." I tried to ascertain if he had any idea what substance he'd used, he got very angry, and we had to restrain him physically and chemically.

Meanwhile, Mr. VIP mouths the words, "You think he's SMALL?" And I said, quite calmly, 'Yes, I do."

Never heard another thing from either of them the rest of the night!