Attention All Nurses! Scary Cost-Cutting Measures
In an effort to reduce hospital spending, the following cost-cutting measures will be implemented. Please post this memo and share with all nurses. Managers will schedule you for a meeting, if needed, to help you accomplish these sorely needed changes.
- Food services will be outsourced to the McDonald’s dollar menu. The cafeteria microwave ovens will be used to replace x-ray equipment.
- Bio-Med repairs have been outsourced to the "Geek Squad." They will be in house tomorrow to work on the microwave ovens on the floors. By reversing the wiring we will be able to use them as air conditioners.
- Staff driving to work should bring the corner stalkers with their “will work for food” signs. They will replace the maintenance staff in return for food, magic markers and cardboard.
- To reduce time spent walking, all nurses will be scheduled for a 1 hour internship with a local car shop. During this time the staff will be expected to become proficient in the use of roller skates. Continuing education units available at employees’ expense. Roller skates are readily available locally.
- Patients arriving by ambulance will not be triaged. The Emergency Medical Service note will be inserted in the chart in lieu of a triage note. If the patient was able to dial 911 for themselves, they will be sent to the Emergency Room for waiting.
- Only patients for whom 911 was dialed by another person will be treated as emergencies.
- All patients arriving under their own power will be referred to the local clinics, or in the case of active labor, Planned Parenthood.
- The morgue will now have only a skeleton staff.
- Housekeeping will be replaced by the groundskeeping staff. With leaf blowers they will be able to send the dirt back outside, thus protecting our real estate investment.
- Groundskeeping will be outsourced to local farmers whose livestock will be able to trim the lawn and shrubs while recycling the ingested materials as fertilizer.
- Patient acuity will be based upon call bell usage. Calling less than 3 times per hour will be treated in ICU. 3 to 4 times per hour equals step down unit. 5 to 6 times per hour equals floor care. More than 6 calls per hour are obviously ready for discharge.
- Nursing staff will be responsible for security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver with 5 rounds of ammunition at the beginning of each shift. Include ammo count when counting Narcotics. Floor nurses will be provided with tazers. Unlicensed nursing staff will be provided with pepper spray. Additional munitions may be purchased from the pharmacy, or if used, will be traded for equal supplies.
- Pharmacy and materials management will be outsourced to Wall-Mart.
- The switchboard will be replaced with a whack-a-mole game console.
- Patients using the Methadone Clinic will be scheduled for 4 hour shifts as phlebotomists.
- The Urology Clinic will be outsourced to Rotor-Router.
- A drive-thru window will be installed on the first floor so nurses may skate charts directly to doctors to add orders, history, physical exams, patient progress, etc.
The board of directors wishes to thank everyone for their sacrifice, understanding and cooperation with these changes. To show you how much we appreciate your hard work and sacrifices, all nurses and staff will receive a coupon for a free bag of popcorn. Managers will receive a 50% raise in pay in lieu of popcorn.
Arthur Dent C.R.E.E.P.
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