Death is a real and frequent visitor for most of us throughout our nursing careers. We learn how to physically care for dying patients, how to help them emotionally, and how to work with their loved ones as they deal with their own pain. In other situations, we work hard at saving lives, sometimes succeeding, other times not. And then, we move on to the next patients who need us.

What working as a nurse doesn’t do, though, is help us when we’re faced with death in our own families. Whether a loved one’s death is sudden and unexpected or drawn out and anticipated, the effect it has on us is most often no different than it would be for anyone one else, regardless of their profession. Sadly though, many of us feel that we should be able to handle such events differently. We feel that we should be able to support other family members, we shouldn’t grieve as hard as we might, and we should be able to cope in a more “acceptable” manner than we often find ourselves doing.

So how do we cope when someone we love is dying and we have to go to work and care for others who are just as ill? How do we provide comfort and care to others when our own heart is breaking?

·         If you feel comfortable, let your co-workers know what’s happening. They can support you and understand if you feel overwhelmed.

·         If it’s feasible, take some time away from work. By separating yourself from the work environment, you don’t have to divide your energy between home and work.

·         Remember that your primary role while you’re at home is as a family member, not a nurse. Resist the responsibility that other family members may try to put on you because of your profession.

·         Feed yourself – your body and your soul. Eat well, exercise, take time for yourself.

·         Get enough rest. Don’t allow yourself to burn out.

·         Ask for help. 

Oddly enough, number 6 is often the hardest for nurses. It seems that as a group, we don’t want to ask for help; we’re too used to giving help, not taking it.

But, asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak or you aren’t in control. It means that you’re human. What we all need in times like this varies according to our own personal situations. What you ask for depends on your own needs and your comfort level. You could ask for help:

·         Getting your children back and forth from school.

·         From another family member who becomes the point person, relaying information about your loved one’s status.

·         Asking your head nurse or manager for help in the types of workload you might need.

·         For counseling. 

When dealing with the curveballs that life throws you, remember the advice you would give others – and take it. You can’t help others, if you don’t help yourself.

By Marijke Vroomen-Durning

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